Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
