haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
