I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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