so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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