They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he fucked my hip out of place.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
