I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
