He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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