My brain says no but my pants say off.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
