Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I came so hard my ears popped.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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