I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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