Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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