I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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