You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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