After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
