god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You made out with two different species that night
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
