I accidentally had phone sex last night
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
This house was built for laser tag.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize