she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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