Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just gift wrapped bread.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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