im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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