The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
