How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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