Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
