Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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