This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
