I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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