He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
