He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
