why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
