He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
