I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
