He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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