Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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