Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
