the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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