Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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