ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
