It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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