Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
