Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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