Soap is not a condiment
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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