I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So many bounce houses so little time
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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