i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
