How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
These tits shall not be calmed
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
