I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
