I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
