took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
