i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Randomize
