omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
