He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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