bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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