eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
