I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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