do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
