Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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