ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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