I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize